Feeling Good Guilt

Having Cystic Fibrosis is not something that consciously crosses my mind on a daily basis.  I take pills and do breathing treatments throughout my day, but I just do them out of habit.  I don't sit down to eat a meal and say, "oh, I have CF, I better take my enzymes".  Instead, I just subconsciously walk to the cabinet and pull out the bottle, or if I'm out to eat, I reach in my purse and grab them.  It's just like brushing my teeth before bed every night.

While I know I have a disease that is incurable.  I find myself just living life and doing the many things that I want to do.  While this seems well and good, it's also unfair.  There are other CFers fighting for their last breath, waiting for a second chance at life with a lung transplant, or being hooked up to an oxygen tank and dragging it with them wherever they go.

I often tell people that I am a bad example of CF.  When explaining CF to someone, I talk about the deterioration of the lungs, challenges of breathing, mucus, pancreas insufficiency, and malnutrition.   People look at me and think CF isn't that bad.  But they are wrong.

I read a lot about CF and love reading blogs from other CFers.  Often times they are stories much harder to read about than mine.  I can find myself feeling guilty for feeling as good as I do.  I wonder why I am not suffering as much as others.  When will it be my turn for CF to run my life.  I know it will happen one day.  That's what CF does.  It's that sneaky ever persistent monster hiding in the closet waiting to jump out and get you.

So, what can I do?  I walk and fundraise for the Great Strides walks.  I look CF in the eye and commit to fight it.  I'll go to the gym and bust my ass for me and for all of those with CF that wish they could.    I do not take it for granted that I am healthy.  I am thankful for every minute I get to spend with my friends and family (bulldogs too).

So days when I feel guilty for feeling good, I just make an extra effort to do something for my fellow CFers.  It may be running in the yard with my dogs, adding some more weight to my workout, or simply giving someone I love a hug.


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