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Fear

Fear - it is a funny thing.  And, I hate it!  I don't like some things: like bugs or the being in the ocean (sharks live there!), but I can't say that I am completely fearful or terrified of them.  I'm not truly afraid of many things, but there is one thing that gets me every time - FLYING.


I used to LOVE to fly!  I wanted to fly everywhere and anywhere.  I loved the feel of taking off as the plane speeds down the run way.  I loved looking out the window and seeing all the buildings/cars/people shrink as we got higher and higher.  I loved the clouds and the sun shining as we coasted through the sky.  I loved the bumps and turbulence, especially when it made my stomach drop.  I loved descending and seeing everything reappear and that final bump as we touched down.

Now - I dread it.  I like to fly because it gets me there faster, but the actual flight scares the daylights out of me.  And I can tell you the moment this started happening.  I was flight to Dallas for work in January 2010 and had a pretty good flight right until we were getting close to landing.  Then, there were storms, plus it was night and soooo dark.  The only thing that lite the sky up was the lightning - eek!  We were just bouncing around like we were on a trampoline.  My earrings were smacking off my head.  I reached over and grabbed the poor guy sitting next to me and had a death grip on his arm.  There were some screams and "ahhs" as we hit the bumps (I didn't make a peep, just sat with my eyes closed praying).  I was just waiting for the oxygen masks to fall or a chunk of the plane to fly off.  But, we landed...by the grace of God.

Now, one could look at this positively and think 'hey, we made it. The pilot did great and the plane held up, so we should have confirmation that flying is safe'.  But, it scarred me for life.  Now, I'm afraid any bump will lead to that dreaded flight & you can't survive that twice!

So, I fly as little as possible which is still more than most, I think.  But, not near like my Dad.  He just reached a million miles with Continental...crazy!!! 

I start the flight fine, but I can't think about it too much or I get myself all worked up.  So, I ignore the thought of what I'm doing until we are taking off.  I actually still like that part (as long as its smooth), but one bump and I've checked out of my positive thinking mode.  The window shade must be open and I have to be able to see at anytime during the flight, so farewell aisle seats.  Once we reach the point where electronic devices can be used, I feel a bit of relief that we made it up.  I turn on my tunes and close my eyes.  I stay like this and peek out the windows if we hit a bump, just to see that we are still flying.  Then, eyes get closed.  I've started to get dizzy lately if I keep my eyes open during turbulence.  Unfortunately, my hands get clammy and my body physically shakes with fear when this happens.  Its horrible!  Fortunately, no one can see me shake due to the bumps!

Hopefully, this will go away.  Aren't you supposed to face your fears?!?  Well, I'm trying!  It has gotten better in the past year and 1/2, but by no means am I my carefree self when I fly. 

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